Sex is not just a pleasurable couple of minutes, it’s the ultimate form of intimacy partners share – and if you have kids in the house then you obviously know what I am talking about. This isn’t your first rodeo. However the dynamic does change once kids enter the picture. Sometimes the quality of sex goes down. More than likely the amount of sex goes down too. Nothing worse than being in the moment and ready to get down only to hear a knock on the door from a child that likes to make up a thousand reasons why sleep and them aren’t friends. Depending on the sleep journey your child has taken they may not even be knocking at the door, they may have a foot in your back because they are sleeping in your bed. So no knocking on the door but no knocking boots either. We have to fix this!
Let’s Talk About Sex
Sex after kids has to be motivated by wanting to keep the desire strong. You have to want to keep the spice hot. It matters. There are a million and one reasons why sex is on the backburner. The biggest issue in marriage isn’t the sex itself it’s the lack of communication. Talk about ways you both need it. Ladies it’s okay to want to be desired and to desire your man. Communicate your needs. You may have to do things around the kids, but it can be done. My husband and I use code words and our texting fingers are strong. Use your device for more than a Google search and get down with your mate. Remember kids will grow up and what you don’t want is to be looking at a mate you don’t even know and doesn’t even remember the last time you were intimate or the lasts time you had sex! If you can’t remember the last time you had sex with your mate, you already need to do better. No one is above a do better. Spice it up, kids and all.
Why Sex Matters?
Sex is great when you can control more than one of the factors but ask any parent the one factor that can’t be controlled is kids. Sex may mean different things for men and women but its importance is still equally significant. First of all without sex you and your partner become roommates. Although that worked in college it doesn’t work in committed relationships. Intimacy is important and this needs to be achieved in and out of the bedroom. Sex is a beautiful formation of intimacy. Sex is a great way to communicate to your partner – your desire in one another – that’s why it’s important. The same spark you had when you started out with your partner will need to be the same to keep them. Yes, sex and how you have it and life in general changed the day you brought your bundle of joy home, but it’s still important.
Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That
Time is not only a truth but sometimes an excuse to sex. Having kids is hard work and with any job you can be burned out, disinterested, etc. I get it. Sex is a cuss word sometimes in busy homes. The ability to have sex and lay around spooning may not necessarily be there. When you add in low libido, weight changes, exhaustion, teething kids, work deadlines, etc. the time it takes to change that may not even look as appealing. However we got to add time in for our spouse and let them know as well as they need to be on board to do the same for us. So with time we have to be honest about the fact that it can slip away. Our partners over time can slip away not only from lack of sex but lack of effort. Putting the energy and time into sex is vital to both partners.
The Littles Are In Our Bed
One of the drawbacks to having kids in your room is that you lose that space that you once governed for intimacy. It becomes the oasis for kids to lounge. I caution but I myself understand why parents have kids in their room or beds. The biggest reason is convenience. It’s easier depending on the age of the child to have them in there. However if you can, hollow out that space for just you and your mate. If you find that the kids have taken your room hostage, then you are going to have to remember one thing, you are going to have to be creative. Sex and kids can sometimes put a damper on how often you are having and if they are in your room whatever number you were working with has now declined. Did you know that 45% of couples only have sex once or twice a week? I know a few reading would think that even that is too much. Listen, you got a lot on your plate but you have to find ways to pencil it in almost literally. I would love to give you the magic numbers of how often but the whole twice a year for birthdays and Christmas ain’t it. No one wants to be made to feel like they are on the shelf and only touched twice a year. You are in a committed relationship right? Let’s commit your all to one another and let me break down how we can have it more often.
Quality Over Quantity
Back before kids you were like rabbits. You couldn’t keep your hands off one another. All you wanted to do was have one another in your grasp. Now your children are here and they have occupied your time. You are more concerned about all of the necessities of raising a family and your partner is dying to know that they are still your number one. How do you change from having sex all the time to when you can barely lift your head up from being too tired to show your partner you are still in it to win it? You have to make that sacred time count. Come to the arena with you’re a game. If you can make it a night of bliss do so. If you have time limitations then hit the ball out of the park. This means you should have build in that intimacy outside of the bedroom. If so you may have mere minutes to reach an orgasm. Make sure both partners are satisfied. So just because the amount has gone down, doesn’t mean you can’t make the sex sessions count.
Try All The Alternatives
Texting is a great way of communicating. You can send a few sexy and racy messages to let your boo know it’s going down on sight. Nothing will make your mate rise knowing you want him or her. Sexting is more common form of sexual non touch foreplay and people who sext claim it to be very unusual & satisfying experience. It’s like the opening act and if you play your cards right, you can use it to get your mate open later on. Are you at work or just somewhere outside the house? Just pay a visit to a bathroom and take your time to take the sexiest nudes. This is a chance to show your mate what they missing. Make it count and be super creative. Let your fingers guide you so you can let your fingers guide you later.
Ready For A Sexcapade
Momma it’s time for some mental earmuffs. Sex is tricky but let’s talk about it:
R&B group Silk had a song called “Meeting in my Bedroom” and they talked about all the wild things they were gonna do once they got that girl in there. When kids come into play here are a few rooms and places you may need to enlist so you can keep the Wild Things go down in your home:
- Bathroom-number one reason? There is a lock on it. Yes kids don’t care about a parent being in a bathroom but when they finally go down maybe you and can too. Bathrooms are a perfect place. It can get hot and heavy so let the steam from your sexcapade take you there. Turn the water on to drown out the sound and enjoy one another’s company. Positions matter so get your leg up to help you and your partner achieve a moment you won’t forget. Test out how limber you are. Trust me a few nights of this and it will get easier.
- Landry room-just make sure to move the clean clothes out the way. Make that your secret spot. Kids won’t give you room back outsmart them by leaving them in there and making the laundry room the new YES room. Employ whatever you need in your laundry room such as the washer and dryer itself to make it a time! Remember you don’t have a lot of time, it may be a quick time but pull up behind and make it happen.
- Kitchen-now of course you got to keep this area sterile because that’s where you cook but you can cook up a lil something in there too. It’s a good spot to get in a quicky when time is not on your side.
This is the whisper chronicles you might have to get it in and learn the art of keeping quiet. This is actually hot at times. Shhhhhhh parents making love but get it done!
Pencil me In
This is the most nonromantic gesture but sometimes the most necessary. Schedule in sex. You have to make time so add it in the calendar and like with any deadline meet it. I have had times when I have sent that text of all the things I am going to do and when it came time I was asleep on the couch or in the bedroom with a kid in between. I would feel bad and had to pencil in a redo. It was important to keep the spice going so I did what I had to do to make it hot for both of us.