Having spent at least half of my life tipping ….ok, breaking, the scales at morbidly obese. Maybe it’s time to shed (it must weigh a pound or two) some light on being fat.
1. Putting a tampon in (or not) – you feel like a t-rex, tiny arms and too much body for this little sponge on a string to go anywhere within aiming distance of your lady hole!
2. Plus size clothes are expensive and most fit like a bin liner, a badly patterned one!
3. No matter how many times a day you clean them, your skin folds always have an ‘aroma’ to them.
4. Plus size ads and shops like to assume you have got a booty and boobs for days… An eye roll if you’re part of the ‘all belly, no arse and boobs like droopy spaniel ears’ crew!
5. Shaving your legs takes longer than ‘Lost’ to finish… The water’s cold, you’re cold and you’re only halfway through.
6. Turnstiles… OUCH. They are not made for fat people. They are torture, trying to pull yourself through, leaving parts of your thighs probably still stuck in them!
7. Wiping your arse is what you imagine intense yoga to feel like, except your arms just aren’t long enough!
8. Sex, positions have to be practical, you wouldn’t want your 69 to turn into a 999! Recreating that 50 shades of Grey shower scene ain’t going to happen without an injury!
Sex drives don’t always decrease because of weight gain but being fat can change confidence levels. If you don’t feel confident especially with saggy boobs, bloated tummies, skin fold smells and trying to find the right places… then you’re fucked in a whole different way.
As with #1 you feel like a t-rex trying to find a pea (your clit)…then you might have unsquash a boob, move your tummy… sex when you’re fat is oh so glamorous! Attaching a vibrator to a selfie stick is an inviting thought! But, don’t worry – fatties can go at it like two horny rabbits just the same!
9. Plus size bras come in two sizes… Big and hold my watermelons. If you have a large back and little boobs… May god be with you!
10. Chairs: They are not your friend. Plastic or metal are the enemies and any with arms. If they don’t give you bruises, you worry you’ll end up on the floor. Chairs with arms don’t hug you, they squeeze the life out of you!
11. People tend to assume that you’re fat because you’re lazy, eat pies 24/7, have no concept of nutrition and they just love giving you advice on how to be smaller…. When they’re a size 20 eating a bag of crisps!
12. Bathtubs: When the top half (ok, two thirds) hasn’t seen bath water for at least a decade. It floats there like an iceberg, wedged in a plastic tub! Freezing! Thank the lord for showers!
13. When you say “excuse me” to a stranger and they only move enough to let a fly past, then look like ‘what do you mean you can’t fit through there’ and you would rather not belly bounce them into next week…
14. You become the fat benchmark. If you can fit past it, on it or if someone else is as big as you. The fat benchmark has been reached!
15. Strangers often assume you must have health conditions solely because you’re fat. High blood pressure or type 2 diabetes, “What do you mean you don’t have it?” It comes with the fat level 4 pack (!!)
16. Food shopping, strangers love to survey your trolley, just to check if the offending fat item(s) is in there. So they can avoid it!
17. Relatives that love to tell you about your weight (like you hadn’t noticed) are always the ones that partake in ironic food giving and it’s always calorie loaded!
18. Doctors will never fail to mention your weight. Even if your eye hurts, it’s your weight, you could almost play bingo…. ‘Two fat ladies…88’
19. Sweat. Chafing. Underboob rash. You are always on the lookout for creams, sprays or a new torture device to push your skin into like a shrunken pillowcase. Just to stop the three amigos.
20. You are beautiful no matter what your size or shape. Never forget that.